A Year in Review
Hello, wonderful people!
I am still awestruck at this year. This is the year that I get to start as a blank slate with a lot of things. This has been the most challenging, strenuous, but rewarding year I have yet to experience.
At the start of this past year, there was trouble brewing in my mind. I had been overwhelmed by anxiety, and I was beginning to be confined in areas of my life. There was an overwhelming weight I was bearing, and I felt like I was bearing it alone. I was in relationships that had too much arguing and were rapidly becoming unhealthy for me mentally. I had daily anxiety attacks to the point where I was not able to function very well. The idea of doing simple things to me became daunting. I gave God control, and He fought with me.
The beginning months of 2018 were pretty horrible in many ways. I was in a daily battle with the anxiety and friendships I was in. Throughout this time though, I felt God go silent. He was for a few months. Looking back it was probably for a number of reasons. One being, He wanted to know that I would choose Him. Two being, He wanted something different for me. There were relationships with people I had to end this year. There was a lot of good in them. I learned many things, but there was beginning to be too much not good. I was hurting myself mentally. I pulled out, and I can say it has been the best and hardest decision I have ever made for me.
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Romans 12:18 NIV
This is a verse that is something I deeply value. God began to show me that my life was becoming a place that was not peaceful. Parts of me were clinging more to him, but I desired to remain control in other areas. It was leading to an increase in my anxiety, and after a lot of bad choices, I finally made the one I was supposed to and lived in peace.
This year I learned the value of living in peace. I learned that bad does corrupt good.
When God was silent, I had to pursue Him. He wanted me to come looking for Him. Of course, He never left me, but He silenced His voice for me to learn yet another valuable lesson. I learned to pursue. Months went by and I had to pursue God’s Word. I wept. I was lost. I felt lonely. My heart did ache. There were thoughts running through my head wondering if I had ever known God and wondering if I was a believer. In those desperate times, I learned you have to cling to the truth you know fiercely. God did end up revealing himself in time. He spoke to me a life calling. He clearly said missions.
This year I learned the value of pursuing God, and the Devil will sneak up when we are at our weakest.
The other major thing I learned this year was that you have to let go. At some point, I had to stop trying to fix people. That one is hard for me. It is hard for me still. I like the control, but God wants me to trust. I had to learn (and still am learning) that I AM NOT in control. There are things in life that you have to give to the Lord in prayer.
I learned the value of giving it to God. It frees you from stress because sometimes all we can do it pray.
This year was difficult and challenging. At the same time though, I have never been more blessed. The Lord took away some unhealthy friendships, and instead brought strong relationships. He gave me amazing friends that are rooted in Him. My heart’s capacity to love grew. I just want to love people and hear their stories. He showed me that I have a love for teaching. I have been able to teach fifth grade and will be moving on to teaching first grade. Through this all, He has continued to show me answered prayers and the power of loving people where they are. He also has given me a call on my heart for missions. He truly is faithful.
In 2019, I will continue to learn and grow.
Rethink the blessings you have been given this year,